What Happens to A Dream Deferred?

I was reviewing the comments on my blog, because I'm just inundated with them (utter sarcasm).... And I came across a sentimental exchange between my mother and sister (which by the way, is not approved use of my blog! - JADED CYNICISM ONLY) and then I got to thinking... I thought back to Langston Hughes' age old question, "What happens to a dream deferred?"

My mother seems to think that I am in pursuit of my dream, which confirms that I'm even better at faking it than I thought I was. Now I've bamboozled my mother... and my ex boyfriend! :-)

What is my dream? {obscenely long pause... still thinking.... 15 minutes has elapsed}

... I don't know. I have absolutely the faintest idea of what I want out of this life. I know my dream for the world, but can you tell you little about the life I envision for myself. I enjoy helping others, but I can hardly mold that into a resolute dream. But, i f I were living my dream in the present, I think I'd know. I'd taste it. Touch it. Feel it. Breathe it. I'm fairly certain I'm just existing, faking it -- and doing a pretty good job of it.

What feels like my dream? For a while I've known the thing that made me feel closest to God was being in the presence of children -- teaching them, allowing them to discover, kissing boos boos and fighting bedtime boogeymonsters. I am who I think God has called me to be when I'm with children... That's the only thing I know for sure.

So how did I end up at Homeland Security and now the Department of Defense doing "scary" communication? If you can answer that, you have far surpassed my ability to comprehend. (Please refer to my June 27th Corporate Share Cropping rant)

Somewhere in this life, I stopped pursuing my dream and started pursuing the dream that so many others, either knowingly or unknowingly, constructed for me. My dream box was sloppily constructed for me and I, bundled in fetal position, got in, made myself semi-comfortable and continue to dwell in blissful ignorance. I've become so enchanted with striving for the extraordinary that I've lost delight in the sweet simplicity of the ordinary.

I'm not complaining (well sort of, I am I guess). Before my 22nd birthday, I visited 15 countries, climbed the pyramids of Egypt (for $1), experienced the majestic history of Italy; sat at the feet of Maya Angelou in her home, absorbing her wisdom about life. I've shared a dinner table with the likes of George Bush (the daddy), the former Prime Minister of Israel Ehud Barak, Queen Noor of Jordan (King Hussien's widow), Archbishop Desmond Tutu, former Black Panther Bobby Seal, Cornel West and author and Holocaust survivor, Elie Wisel... and yet, it's not enough. While I can give you a play-by-play of all the "big things," I've forgotten most of my simple pleasures like swinging at the playground with my headphones on, digging my toys in the sand while trying to bury myself at the beach, riding the roller coasters at King's Dominion with my crazy college crew, playing spades after a holiday meal with my family. And ironically, those are the pleasures that have and will continue to sustain me through this life.

So where am I going with this? Again, I don't know. I just think that so often, it's easy to look at someone's polished exterior and seemingly seamless life and use it as a measuring stick for our own lives. We look at magazines, see beautiful people and begin to feel less-than. We look at someone else's material things and become ashamed of what we've worked so hard for. We examine someone's life choices and begin to second guess our own. When in truth, other's lives are nothing more than rainbows - so beautiful and desirable from a distance, but nothing more than optical illusion bought on my rain and storms. Day in and day out, chances are, they are just faking it too. To that I say, if you are going to second guess something, second guess your limits and go confidently in the direction of your dreams, by living the life you've imagined for yourself - not the life someone else has chosen or even the life someone else has chosen for you.

I can serve up the mantras but can't seem to commit them to my heart. For now, all I can do is work diligently at building my relationship with God and trust in his infallible plan for my life. Perhaps my dream is not off track, just a little deferred? While there are many questions in my head, this one thing I know for sure -- God can dream a bigger dream for you than you can ever dream for yourself.

Am I A Share Cropper?

A practice that emerged following the emancipation of African-American slaves, sharecropping came to define the method of land lease that would eventually become a new form of slavery. Without land of their own, many blacks were drawn into schemes where they worked a portion of the land owned by whites for a share of the profit from the crops. They would get all the seeds, food, and equipment they needed from the company store, which allowed them to run a tab throughout the year and to settle up once the crops, usually cotton, were gathered. When accounting time came, the black farmer was always a few dollars short of what he owed the landowner, so he invariably began the new year with a deficit. As that deficit grew, he found it impossible to escape from his situation by legal means. The hard, back-breaking work led to stooped, physically destroyed, and mentally blighted black people who could seldom envision escape for themselves or their children; their lives were an endless round of poor diet, fickle weather, and the unbeatable figures at the company store. Those with courage to match their imaginations escaped under cover of darkness to the North, that fabled land of opportunity.

And then I began to think... am I a sharecropper? This deserved a closer analysis.

Share croppers spent all of their day cultivating and tending to land, that didn't belong to them with the hopes of being proud farm owner. I spend all of my day, working like a field hand, cultivating and tending to a company that made $2.5 billion dollars last year (and only has 13,000 employees) with the hopes of one day becoming one of the elite ones -- a $1,000,000+ partner. Share croppers, only got to keep a very miniscule portion of what they produced, while the land owners profited gluttonously from their tireless work. For the past few weeks, I have worked inexhaustible hours on a proposal for a $105 million dollar contract that I see less than 1% of... and then to add insult to injury, federal (and state) taxes defile me even further pushing me into the bowels of financial upheaval . And like the share croppers, I too always find myself a "few dollars short." As if that weren't debasement enough, I don't even own my mind at work! That's right! Yours truly signed over my mind and my company owns all of my work products and calls it "intellectual capital." I wonder if the sharecroppers got to retain their own farming methods...

Far too often I hear , "Crystal, you're only 23! You're much further along that I was at your age! Your hard work will pay off and you will have something to call your own!" But somewhere in my head I can hear land owners saying, "Big John, you were just a slave yesterday! You're much further along than your parents who got paid nothing for their labor! Your hard work will pay off and you too will have something to call your own..."

All of which makes me wonder, have we really progressed at all? Instead of working in fields, we work in air-conditioned, multi-tiered buildings. I was always taught that education was paramount in having a "better life." And yet, for about 10 hours a day, I don't even own the mind that I have yet to finish paying for! That's right, I signed my brain over to my company for the hours I work with them. Something called "intellectual capital."

I know progress is a slow process, but it would seem as though this new corporate share cropper is as sinister and inescapable as the share cropping my ancestors endured.

Backyardless State of NOVA

How is it possible that out of all the people I know in VA/DC/MD, only one of them has a backyard with an actual grill? Wait... that's because the average house in NOVA sells for over $300,000. Even still, this poses all kinds of problems for the summer holiday season. For most of my life, the 4th of July has meant family, fireworks, and food - food prepared on a charcoal grill in the backyard!

I'm not sure why thoughts of backyardless friends have invaded my mind today, but I've been sitting here thinking about it for an hour! I should be enjoying the down time, after logging more than 70 hours of work last week but now I'm finding myself a little bored. Hence, the hour long obsession session about grills and backyards!

My sister was here this weekend and it was a nice change of scenery. Although, the 20 hours I worked on the proposal while she was here, may have detracted from the fun a bit. I tried to do it in the early morning hours while she was still asleep, as to leave the evenings open for non-work fun!

Well I'm on my way home to take a nap for lunch... yeah, I know... but it's been that kind of week for the kid! :-)

Proposal, Smosal

I'm writing this from the "War Room" and I know that I should listening to the speaker telling us how absolutely critical it is that we win this proposal, but I'm actually a little sick of it! It's Friday, just after 2:00 p.m. and I have already worked 66 hours this week on our contract recompete proposal. I haven't gotten home any day before midnight this week and I'm just generally over it!

Although I've worked like a field hand this weekend, I am actually enjoying the work I'm doing. I'm in charged of the graphic design and layout of the 100-slide deck so this take me back to my magazine layout days. National security leaves little room for creativity, so I'm having a ball playing with color palettes, manipulating graphics and making things "sexy" as my manager says! This definitely makes me want to go back to my old job back in the day, but thinking about my old $36,000 salary makes me wonder how I ever survived in Northern VA back then! Ugh, for the love of money.... one day I'll break my worldy material attachment and do something that I love. I could write volumes about my irritation with myself for not being able to pursue my desired career because of fear of being a financial failure. Perhaps that's a blog for another day.

They just sent out the please-be-a-team-player-and-work-all-weekend call but my sister is flying in tonight so that will not be me! This is the first trip my sister, Kicha, has made to DC since I've been here so I'm so excited about welcoming her to my world. I got us tickets to go to the Big Tigger Celebrity Basketball game tomorrow and I know she's going to love it. Jay-Z, my sister's absolute and utter obsession is playing, so hopefully we won't end up in jail for her bumrushing security to get to him! I will have to work some this weekend but I'm not going to let it put a damper on things.

Well, let me focus on this proposal stuff... but it's really cool how everyone thinks I'm editing the deck or taking notes about way to improve it. Suuuuuuuuuuuckers!

Divine Purposefulness

Oy! What a full weekend! This weekend I finished the remainder of my Core Curriculum Training and now I can officially teach Baha'i school. I cannot articulate how enriched and empowered I feel by this entire experience. At the close of the first two modules, through exploration of the Baha'i writings, I understood the station of teachers and the importance of establishing a sound spiritual foundation for children. I also understood the process of spiritual growth attending to capacity, capability and interest. However, I must admit I felt totally inept as a teacher! Being a new Baha'i, I thought, surely my students will figure out that I know absolutely nothing!

Saturday, we studied Module 3 which was focused on teaching with the Core Curriculum materials and it thoroughly outlined the Core Curriculum for grades Pre-K to 12. I am completely blown away at the breadth and depth of this curriculum. It covers everything from the Principles of Oneness, to the Central Figures of the Baha'i Faith to the World Order of Baha'u'llah. There are copious books, lessons plans and there seems to be strong network of support.

Today was the the fourth and final module and we studied the Child-Development Centered Community. There is an African proverb that "It takes a village to raise a child" and that was very much the theme of our lesson today. The betterment of the world will be the responsibility of today's children. Why not empower them with a sense of purpose, importance and value? It was so beautiful to be in deep discussion about how children, not at all just Baha'i children, will have to work in perfect synergy to bring peace to the world. So often I get discouraged when I look at the apathy and indifference of today's youth. After today, I feel personally charged with mobilizing today's youth and the mobilization will come through spiritual education.

The weekend was long and intense, but I don't feel tired. Quite the contrary my spirit has been refreshed, renewed and I'm ready for God's use. My classmates were all so beautiful - African, Caucausian, Persian, Indian, African-American, Hispanic... all on one accord. All striving towards a better world than the one awoke in this morning. All understanding that children will be the vessel for this change. My circle of friends has certainly expanded. The training was so dynamic - music, dance, drama, imagination, journaling, consultation, reflection, practice, studying, becoming intimate with the Baha'i writings... I feel as though I was given every resource for success, not only in teaching but in being a better person with an unwaivering purpose.

How many a child, though young in years, is yet mature and sound in judgement! How many an aged person is ignorant and confused! For growth and development depend on one's powers of intellect and reason, not on one's age or legnth of days. - Abdu'l-Baha

Quagmire

You know, there are just a ton of fabulous words in the English language that get positively no use and it's most unfair.

Today in a meeting, a co-worker used the term "quagmire" to describe the political b.s. that goes on throughout DoD. I thought it was blog-worthy becuase really... who uses that word? Ever? For any reason at all?

So, here's to the extreme fabulousness of "quagmire;" may the world catch on!

Introducing My Friend... The Author! :-)

This went out as a mass email to everyone I know in this world so I decided to post it here too and maybe reach some people I don't know!

Hi all,

I'm not sure if everyone has made their summer reading selections, but if not I've got the perfect book for you...

One of my dearest friends, Mary B. Johnson, is officially a published author! Mary's first novel, Harbor, hit book store shelves on Saturday, May 28! Mary allowed me to read that manuscript for Harbor several years ago. A creative blend of vivid imagery, smooth poetry and relatable accounts of life, Harbor is a tale that will capture everyone. I couldn't put it down -- seriously, I finished it in a day! Harbor can be found in stores a B. Dalton and Barnes & Noble and on-line at http://www.amazon.com/ and http://www.publishamerica.com/.

Many of you have met Mary through me and if you haven't... you don't know what you're missing! Mary is one of the most gracious, humble and down-to-earth person I've ever had the privilege of befriending. I met Mary a few years back while working at Georgia-Pacific. Over the years, Mary has become a great friend, mentor and make-shift big sister. I'm so glad Mary has the rare opportunity to share her gift of writing with the world.

Help me, help Mary make this a New York Times best seller! Buy a copy (or two, or ten!) and forwarding this along to other avid readers you may know.

I am putting together a special Book Club: Harbor Edition in both Atlanta and Washington DC (and the rest of you are scattered across the US, but you can join us virtually!). If you'd like to participate and/or are having trouble finding the book, please let me know.

Thanks a ton! :-)

Meetings: The Practical Alternative To Work

Dave Barry once said, "Meetings are an addictive, highly self-indulgent activity that corporations and other large organizations habitually engage in only because they cannot masturbate. "

Meetings are like the crack-cocaine of the Federal Government! I've really never seen anything like it... I've only been here for four-business days and I've already attended, 12 meeting... Imagine how many I'm going to get to attend when I actually have a clue to what's going on and know all the acronyms! This was my favorite -- today we had this atonishingly vague, no one-knew-what-the-heck-was-going on type meetings and the consensus at the close of the meeting was NOT to gather more data on the subject. It was NOT to talk to systems programmers who actually had a clue... it was for all of us (the befuddled group) to meet again -- tomorrow morning at 9:00! Mind blowing. I guess none of us are as dumb as ALL of us!

Aside from the outbreak of meetings, the weekend was great! I went to dinner (that I didn't pay for) on Friday with my old mentor, his wife and daughter (a new Boozer). Wilson is a Democrat from Mississippi and from a time where politics really mattered! He's a hoot and one of the few people I know who detest George W. as much as I! Saturday I had lunch with Mikey and I spent time with the kids... not so fun because the little 2-year old can be a real brat at times.

Yesterday was also my first 19-day Feast. I felt like the Belle of the Ball. For once, it wasn't so sucky being the new girl. I got to meeting the rest of the Arlington Community and they were all just gems!

My goal this week is to find a Spanish Class not affiliated with a college or university! I've decided to become fluent in Spanish because this German proficiency is of absolutely no use! For Arlington to have such a high Hispanic population, I expected the Spanish classes to be in abundance but what it really translates to is lots of English classes... Wrong assumption on my part!

If you know of any Beginners Spanish courses, in Northern VA, MD or DC, please let me know!

My Unhorrible Week in Review!

This week has been retardly awesome! Amazing what a change of scenery can do for the spirit! :-) After the fiasco with my client last week at work, my company moved me from the hell that is IAIP and moved me to a project closer to home and with a strategic outreach/change management team! I'm now supporting the Department of Defense change communication effort. This is my first non-DHS project since I've been consulting and there's so much to learn about the agency. I've also been the "communications" person for a couple of years now and I feel like my professional growth has been stunted because I haven't been learning from people. Everyone on my team is so positive and I'm astounded at how infectious positive attitudes are. I've not felt this good and had this much enegery on a Friday in a long time!

I've also had some fun times this with my crazy friend from work, Jenna! Monday we went shopping at Leesburg Outlets, I swear it's the closest to God I've ever been! Bombay, Williams-Sonoma, Pottery Barn, Gap, Banana Republic -- you name it, it was there and I was there shoppng like the noveau riche or something! She and I also hung out last night with a dinner, wine and a Sex and the City marathon; she's almost as obsessed with the show as I am so we had a ball!... we knew we were finished when we decided to dance in the rain in the Safeway parking lot! My hair texture was not all that excited about the latter activity!

I had my Ruhi class and it's really great, but I learned something that really concerned me... One of the things I find the most beautiful about the Baha'i Faith is the belief that both men and women are equal - two wings of a bird. But, I found out that there are no women on the Universal House of Justice, the supreme legislative organ of the Baha'i administrative order. I can't understand how men and women can be equal and yet there are leadership levels in the Faith that are unattainable by women. It reminds me of the politician who represents underserved areas, works for the plight of minorities, campaigns for more funding and yet refuses to let their kids attend schools in those poor areas. It's not too far from the seperate, but equal" theory decided by the Plessy vs. Fergusion case. I'm still trying to rationalize it but perhaps it's something I'm not to understand.

Dream or Reality?

For the past few weeks, I've had a dream that I'm in love with this guy (I know that's a flaky start, but hear me out)....

This guy has looked a little different each time, but in each dream, he is not someone I would date, ever. He's not my type, quite unattractive (to me) and a total goof but I am crazy in love with him! It's a love that is so pronounced that when I wake up, I can remember how I felt in my dreams. I can feel the love I had while dreaming. They actions in the dream are always random, everyday things but the whole time I'm thinking, I am disturbingly in love with this guy.

The overarching theme in the dream is that it doesn't look like what I thought I wanted and I'm conscious of that. Yet it's more than anything I could have ever dreamed (but if I'm dreaming it, maybe it isn't more than I could've dreamed)... I remember at one point in the dream last night, I looked at him over the room, and mouthed "I love you." Although I was in mid-conversation with someone else, all I could think about what how much I loved this guy.

By the end of the dream, we had a daughter (thank God she looked like me!) and when I came home from work, presumably after long day, he was cooking dinner, she was in the high chair eating contently and they were both thrilled to see me. Afterwards he gave her a bath and I watched them both thinking, "does it get any better than this?"

I'm kind of sketched out about the whole thing, honestly, because I remember every detail and I can still feel.... However, I tend to think this is more of a metaphor about life more than it is about a relationship.

I thought maybe it correlates with my relationship with God. Certainly I couldn't have ever imagined I'd be a Baha'i and yet it is so fulfilling and it's renewed my relationship with God. I feel like I'm falling in love with God all over again.

Or maybe it's to teach me to be content with life, even if it's not what I imagined. What's so strange is that in the dream, I'm always aware of this is not what I wanted or what I thought I wanted but, it's mine - my reality.

I think too often in life, we try to take reign over everything and forget that as much as we'd like to run our own agenda, there is someone with a plan far superior to our own.