Did Florence Nightingale Get Tired?

The last month or so has been quite the roller coaster ride with high highs and some revealing lows.

The highest high was the birth of my Godson, Jaylin. He was born on Tuesday, July 18 at 1:58 p.m. weighing in at a lithe 6 lbs., 3 ozs. I was there from start to finish and it was the most beautiful and intense experience of my life. I left the delivery room with a sore back, a sprained finger and a deep admiration for mothers worldwide. I have often believed that the charge of motherhood is God's highest calling and that belief has been forever cemented. Jaylin is perfect and healthy and every night I pray that in spite of this world, he grows into being a compassionate, balanced, service-oriented man.

As to not dwell on the unpleasant things of life, suffice it to say, I often forget that I'm just one person and I can only influence that which I have influence over... Definitely a Florence Nightingale at heart, I often find my stomach in a knot and tears shed over situations that I have no control over. When you love people, you don't want to see them hurt or even inconvenienced and that is unrealistic. Especially, when the perceived hurt is a conscious decision. In trying to help, I've become the biggest enabler and in the end, I make everything that much worst.

I always say that life is nothing more than a sequence of choices and I am only accountable for my choices. So often I chose to surround myself with people are entirely depleting, who consume without giving thought or thanks and I take responsible for this. Even more, I have to think that I derive some form of satisfaction, maybe even pleasure because it's continual.

People are always telling you who they are and what you are to them and many times I ignore this. I've made so many decisions based on other's needs and wants and it never works for me. In the end, I always feel tired or disappointed or just plain stupid. As my grandmother used to say, "You don't have to eat the whole hog to know you've tasted pork..."

I'm just tired right now, physically, mentally, spiritually, emotionally... spent. Definitely going to try something different.