Can I Quote You?

I actually had a little down time at work today and the best part of down time is getting to indulge in ridiculous email threads with some of your favorites. Out of this day came many quotable quotes that I had to etch in blogger stone.

I'm totally aware that without context, these probably won't be funny but I find them hilarious annnnnnd it's my blog annnnnd I'll read this for the next 10-days and crack up each time!

• Well now the casual fornication is out the window since his brothers of Sigma Tau Delta will obviously be in the room
• I have officially adopted " if you like it, I love it" as a part of my everyday vocabulary.
• Try anything once, if you like it, do it again...
• Other than the whole STD thing, I really don't see why you should treat him with extra caution...
• The a$$hole in me doesn't understand this kind of thinking
• Little known fact -- we have a client that is working to find a cure for HPV in manatees and sea turtles
  
• I guess now is not the time for me to reveal my undying love for you...( hahahahahahahahahahha, whew my sides hurt) ...we'd have cute kids though.
• TWO WORDS -- Planet alignment
• ...I don't think he could have handled you...and you would have ended up working on the couches in front of the training room to avoid your officemate.
• No, it definitely wan't a good relationship... but at least I got an iPod out of it.
  
• Think about the long-walk-to-my-office debacle -- and you were several doors down on the opposite side of the hall
• Sure I'm brilliant, wittiy, hard-working, tinkering on outrageously successful, attractve --wwwwait, I lost myself --
• See, no good deed goes unpunished!
• The Lord accepts 10 percent. I'm more of a 50 kind of girl!
• When can I be expecting my kickbacks in the mail
• Well rethink no more... our friendship is one of longtime invested unparalleled foolishness including late-night dance parties, obession with the apprentice, entire weekends spent on a couch or a floor in our pj's, random crab meals, getting annoyed with rachel ray's excessive use of salt, finding comedy in what most people would consider regular everyday bahavior and I could go on and. Now who else can you share all this with? :)

See, I’m in tears just copying and pasting!

The Store Experience

If you can see the time on this post, you will see that I didn't quite make it through my scheduled 9 hours at the big orange box... grrrrr.

The day started out well enough - I got my adorable orange apron that said, "I put customer's first", some "flair" for my apron (if you've seen 'Office Space' you know what flair is) and the best part -- my handy, dandy box cutter. Clearly, I wasn't very useful to customers because I didn't know where anything was but I found that if you turn on your southern charm, smile, insert a faint accent and ask about their grandchildren - you were in! The got me through oooooh the first 3.5 hours... and then it happened:

LOPIT (Little Old Person In Tennis Shoes): Lady, I saw an advertisement saying you carry a line of paint to match sport teams.
Me: {dumb blank look} ummmm k
LOPIT: Do you know where I can find it?
Me: In the paint section.
LOPIT: I tell ya... as if I couldn't figure out that one by myself
Me: Well then what exactly are you asking me
LOPIT: I just want to know what it's all about
Me: Again, if you go to the paint section, they'll tell you what it's all about
LOPIT: {stands there dumbfounded}
Me: Do you know where the paint section is?
LOPIT: I'm done talking to you young lady
Me: ummmm k
LOPIT: I can't believe you were so unhelpful. Is this what they pay you for?
Me: No, Ma'm. They pay me to be the Manager of Human Resources Communication. This is extra.
LOPIT: Then why the hell are you here?
Me: Do you just want to be rude to me or do you actually want your paint?
LOPIT: {mumbles, while walking away}
Me: {Yelling, as she is more than halfway down the aisle} Enjoy your stay in the paint section!!!

Shortly thereafter, I retired.

My day following the store experience was totally productive! I got my hair done (resisted the urge to cut it -- I'm a woman of my word), got a manicure/pedicure AND went grocery shopping! I invited my Mom, brother and best friend over for dinner so I better get to it.

Life is good!... (except for all the pollen)

I've gotten a fair amount of hate e-mail lately about my communication habits so I wanted to give a quick "life" update so that all of my favoritest people are in the know (although there's not much to know):

The New Job: It's going very well - the work is challenging, and the environment demanding but it's been awesome. I haven't gotten home before 7 p.m. since I started, which is why no one ever hears from me, but I'm totally enjoying it and I work with some great people. Since I'm in associate communications at The Home Depot, I thought it would be a good idea to go spend a few hours in the store and really try to understand the audience I'm communicating to.... Why did I open my mouth? The idea turned into my working in a Home Depot store for an entire 9 hour day. Sooo, be sure to come see me this Tuesday at the store on Piedmont Road! I get an orange apron, box cutter AND a tape measure. How sexy is that? I've got a couple of concerns because customer service is not really my strong suit, my patience with adults is generally pretty low and God help us all if there's a customer with attitude. Just think: them - attitude/demanding. me- box cutter. See where this is going? The silver lining is that I can think of at least two people who'd be willing to post my bail!

The New Love of my Life: My bestest is back in the A-T-L!! My best [girl] friend (Michael cries if I don't make the distinction!) is having a boy in July and I'm thrilled about my new baby... it's like waiting for Christmas! I got to hang out with her (or is it them now?) today and was able to give her the obscene amounts of stuff that I've gotten him... annnnd subsequently I was put on "retail restriction." I must admit that shopping for boys isn't nearly as fun as shopping for girls but I did score Jaylin (that's my love's name) "Baby's First Designer Outfit" today with the cutest Sean John jean suit. I can already tell this one is going to be rotten but my motto is , there's no such thing as spoiled, just "well loved." I still can't get over the idea that there's a teeny tiny penis growing inside of my best friend's tummy - it's mind blowing and beautiful and weird all wrapped up in one!

The New Digs: I finally found a place that I love and I'm moving in July. My apartment has never really felt like home to me. As soon as I walked into my new condo, I knew I was at home and it was a great feeling. It's off of Lenox Road and in a location this is both close to work and my family. Definitely excited about that because I'm not a very good commuter. Atlanta traffic has done some bad, bad things to my vocabulary...

The New Refund: I was too afraid to open my eyes when the accountant finished but the news was good! For the first time ever, I got a tax refund! Between paying for grad school and relocating to GA, I lucked out and the H&R Block God's smiled on my a granted me a four-digit tax refund. A check. From the government? Never seen one. Did you know you that there are no tax shelters pertaining to pets? That's too bad because Gracie cost me a small fortune!

The New Car: TBD... but it's coming! My conceited little brother is turning 17-years old in a few weeks and I'm bequeathing to him my beloved Corolla. I'm going to miss 'Nilla because she's been sooo good to me... even when I didn't change her oil for tens of thousands of miles at a time. But alas, it's time to come up in the world of automobiles. I'm totally committed to picking something before May 1. Any suggestions?

The New Habit: I fall asleep watching "Law and Order: SVU" every single night, with no exceptions. Benson and Stabler are my peeps! As much as I love this show, I must say that it's been giving me the strangest dreams laced with paranoia and murder... someone is always trying to kill me in my dreams now. May have to look into modifying this.

The Reaffirmed Revelation: My family is absolutely amazing! Everyone knows I revel in the "small things." On Thursday, I left work early (4:00 p.m. - how sad is that?) with a serious headache. I literally had to drive home with one eye closed because the sun was making it worse. Anyway, I got home and shortly after I arrived my brother and mother showed up with dinner, meds and a massage. That's right! They both took turns rubbing my neck and back with the sincerest intent that it would help with my headache and you know what.... it totally did the trick! When they left, I was pain free and tickled to death. I just love them!

And with that kiddies, you're all caught up!... so no more ugly emails, got it?

The Lesser of Three Evils

I can't tell which makes me more nauseating -- "I'm a Stick With You" by the Pussy Cat Dolls or "Unwritten" by who-in-the-heck-knows-but-it's-always-on-the-radio or the fact that Mandisa just got voted off of American Idol...